Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Dad jokes
Every joke that closed out the show: 92 dad jokes, plus 29 jokes that are definitely not dad jokes. Vote for your favorites and the list ranks itself.
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From the Patreon jokes come from our after-shows. Some punchlines are for patrons only. See the after-shows →
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job at Walmart? He couldn't see himself doing it.
I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free. Now they cost a quarter. Damn inflation.
What's the most ordered drink at a bar? One more.
Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock? It's a little meteor.
Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? Don't worry, he got over it.
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a great conductor.
You cereal-sly don't have a joke?
Why did the skeleton go to the music festival alone? He had no body to go with.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the math book have so many problems? You'd have to ask the math book.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Why is a baseball stadium always cold? Because it's full of fans.
Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a huge metal fan."
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
What kind of dough does a gamer use? Nintendough.
Why shouldn't you argue with a T. rex? You'll get Jurassic kicked.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.
What's on the sign at an out-of-business brothel? Beat it, we're closed.
What did the elephant say to the naked man in the woods? How do you breathe through that little thing?
What do you call a snake in a hard hat? A boa constructor.
Here's to gunpowder and pussy: live by one, die by the other, love the smell of both.
What's a Yankee? Patrons hear the punchline
What does James Bond do before he falls asleep? He goes undercover.
What does James Bond do when he has Tourette's? He shakes and stirs.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 07.
What's E.T. short for? Patrons hear the punchline
When we speak to Spanish people we should use the word "mucho." It means a lot to them.
How does a bald man run his hand through his hair? He cuts a hole in his pocket.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
What do you call an AI pirate? Patrons hear the punchline
What's the hardest part about learning to ride a bike? The road.
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
My wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Why did the potato chip go to the doctor? It was feeling a little stale.
What's a chip's favorite exercise? Crunches.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
My neighbor gave me a new roof for free. He said it was on the house.
How can you tell a dogwood tree is a dogwood? By its bark.
What's a three-letter word that starts with gas? Car.
What's the difference between the pizza guy and Mike's dad? The pizza guy shows up when you call him.
Why does everybody on the Nebraska basketball team drive a manual? They like to have four on the floor.
Why can't March Madness players go on vacation? They'd get called for traveling.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It's pasture bedtime.
It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
What's the difference between me and cancer? Patrons hear the punchline
I'm laying down some new sod today, but I have to be careful. I heard the neighbors are a bunch of grass holes.
I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
How do you measure how heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper is? Give it away.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.
Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of joke, but they're a solid number two.
Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone road. One asks, "Have you ever come this way?" The other says, "No, it's the cobblestones."
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.
On job applications I put "can pee with morning wood" under skills. When they asked why, I said it's kind of hard.
When I woke up I had to fight my morning wood. I beat it single-handedly.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? It's two tired.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
What's Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? Penne.
Where's the best place for a baseball player to wash his socks? In the bleachers.
When does a medieval orgy end? When the knight has come.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.
Why did Bilbo Baggins have a boner when he died? Old hobbits die hard.
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Stationery.
Santa, why do you use reindeer and not cows? Because the steaks would be too high.
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes.
If an amputee competes in a karate tournament, would you call it partial arts?
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Did you hear about the scientists who tried to breed a cheetah with a crab? That got sideways real quick.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race? You're toast.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA? Kicked out of the zoo.
Have you heard of the bisexual whale? Moby Dick.
Why shouldn't you trust dermatologists? They make too many rash decisions.
"Dad, can you explain what a solar eclipse is?" "No, son. It would go over your head."
What kind of birds do you find in Portugal? Portu-geese.
The average burglar breaks into a house and leaves a lot of clues. Not me. I'm completely clueless.
Did you hear the rumor about the butter? Never mind, I'm not going to spread it.
Before I die I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. It's going to make the cremation amazing.
How do you make a Budweiser? Send him to school.
What was Osama bin Laden's favorite pizza order? Two large planes.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
What's the name of the new clothing store that went in where the smoke shop used to be? Close, but no cigar.
Will these portobellos fit in the fridge? I don't know if there's mushroom.
How is sex like a card game? If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don't take me for granite.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Not sure what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You may think it's R, but it's the C.
What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, it's a bar. Next day, same duck: "Got any grapes?" Still no. Third day the bartender snaps: "Ask for grapes again and I'll nail your bill to the bar." Next day the duck hops up: "Got any nails?" "No." "Great. I'll have some grapes."
What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick is hanging out.
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.
Why did the Avengers struggle so much after Infinity War? They lost their Vision.
I'm reading a scary story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen. I can just feel it.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? At 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse? She's the one with red knees.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said "bread in captivity."
Everybody talks about the Eye of the Tiger. Nobody ever talks about the other four letters.
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.
What do Gungans keep things in? Jar Jars.
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty nuts.
I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn't stay long. There's something fishy about that place.
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety meds? For his panic attacks.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Why did the guy get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.
What did one sombrero say to the other? You go on ahead.
Why did the Avon lady walk funny? Her lipstick.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $2. Volume will not change." I couldn't turn that down.
If you lose your khakis in the Midwest, you lost your pants. If you lose your khakis in Boston, you can't start your car.
Why did the cake cross the road? Because it saw a fork in the road.
Have you heard how much chimneys cost these days? Nothing. They're on the house.
I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist. I should have seen all the red flags.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I put my foot down.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She has no arms. Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sarah.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.
Why doesn't Paul Walker like donuts? Because he's dead.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.